Saying goodbye...
Remember, remember, the 5th of November. This will now forever be the day, that I lost my dad to cancer. Plagued with illness unrelated to what took you for over a decade, to this tragic and sudden end. I can only take comfort in that maybe now, you're finally at peace. I love you more than I could ever describe. For the years I had with you I am forever grateful and I'll always hold you in my heart.
On a night with smoke-filled air and explosions of fireworks in the sky. My family and I stood by my father's side as he spent his final hours on this earth. Diagnosed with secondary Oesophageal cancer (cancer of the Gullet) and an unknown primary, he was given at most 2 months to live. 11 years prior, he suffered a severe stroke which left him disabled. This lead to complications with the cancer and left him too weak to undergo any chemotherapy.
I struggle to wrap my head around everything that has happened within the past 72 hours. The day before his passing, despite being unwell, I managed to make him smile and talk with me. I managed to take him away from his misery of illness, even if it were only for a matter of seconds. Days before, when I left for an appointment, I told him where I was going. He said with a weakened voice 'careful.' Despite his pain and prognosis, he still wanted to make sure I was safe and told me to be careful on my travels. His speech has been affected ever since his stroke and he struggled to say words before this illness. He became practically mute since being diagnosed with cancer, and yet one of his very few words were words of protection...protection for his little girl. He would've done anything to be able to give me a hug before I left but he was too weak. He still was my father...
For years I've said I lost my dad in the summer of 2006. The stroke took away his ability to protect, nurture and guide me. Took his ability to advise properly and to discuss whatever I needed to. I resented him for that. Now I see, that it wasn't him I resented...it was that awful illness that left him disabled and broken. That stroke took away the tools my dad needed to be the dad he wanted to be...and yet I found myself blaming him.
The moment he said 'careful' to me just a week before he passed, I realised that my dad has been here this whole time...I hate myself for being so angry, and not allowing him to be the dad he was. I would give anything to have him hug me again...even with just the one arm that wasn't left paralysed from his stroke. I'd give anything to hear him say 'I love you'...which was one of the few things he could say to me...With tear-filled eyes as I write this, I'd give anything to see him smile again...
On the 5th of November, I watched my dad die. That was the day I truly did lose him and it hurts so so much...He struggled throughout his life to be happy with himself. He relied on alcohol to support him and buried any issues he had deep down. This excessive self-destructive behaviour is what lead to all of his suffering over the last 11 years of his life. I wish I could've done something but I was just too young to know and understand. Sheltered from the hurt person he was...all I knew was that he was my dad and I looked up to him more than anybody.
Despite his flaws and hurt he felt he could not share, he was the greatest dad I could ever ask for. So patient and loving, so wise and so fun. He always wanted the best for me and we had such a special bond as I was growing up. He was so filled with pride whenever he saw me achieve something or do well in life. He always wanted to teach me and nurture my talents. I get my artist gene from him and he encouraged it. He made me laugh and comforted me when I was sad, but that didn't happen often. Because he provided the happiest childhood I could have ever imagined and I will love him always for trying his best.
He managed to see me achieve so many things and I really do hope I made him proud. I don't ever want to stop doing that, and in his absence, I will carry everything he has ever taught me through to my final days. He has made me who I am today and without him I wouldn't have been given the gift of life. I just wish I could've spent a little bit longer with him, and show that everything he taught me has made me who I am. I'm pursuing a career in art and making plans for the future because of him and his teachings.
I will always have him with me. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see his eyes staring back at me and that's how I know he's here and will never leave me. I love you, dad. You are the reason I am who I am today and I will never forget that. Rest in peace and one day, I will be able to finally hug and see you again...I miss you so very much...but goodbye for now...love, your baby girl.
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On a night with smoke-filled air and explosions of fireworks in the sky. My family and I stood by my father's side as he spent his final hours on this earth. Diagnosed with secondary Oesophageal cancer (cancer of the Gullet) and an unknown primary, he was given at most 2 months to live. 11 years prior, he suffered a severe stroke which left him disabled. This lead to complications with the cancer and left him too weak to undergo any chemotherapy.
I struggle to wrap my head around everything that has happened within the past 72 hours. The day before his passing, despite being unwell, I managed to make him smile and talk with me. I managed to take him away from his misery of illness, even if it were only for a matter of seconds. Days before, when I left for an appointment, I told him where I was going. He said with a weakened voice 'careful.' Despite his pain and prognosis, he still wanted to make sure I was safe and told me to be careful on my travels. His speech has been affected ever since his stroke and he struggled to say words before this illness. He became practically mute since being diagnosed with cancer, and yet one of his very few words were words of protection...protection for his little girl. He would've done anything to be able to give me a hug before I left but he was too weak. He still was my father...
For years I've said I lost my dad in the summer of 2006. The stroke took away his ability to protect, nurture and guide me. Took his ability to advise properly and to discuss whatever I needed to. I resented him for that. Now I see, that it wasn't him I resented...it was that awful illness that left him disabled and broken. That stroke took away the tools my dad needed to be the dad he wanted to be...and yet I found myself blaming him.
The moment he said 'careful' to me just a week before he passed, I realised that my dad has been here this whole time...I hate myself for being so angry, and not allowing him to be the dad he was. I would give anything to have him hug me again...even with just the one arm that wasn't left paralysed from his stroke. I'd give anything to hear him say 'I love you'...which was one of the few things he could say to me...With tear-filled eyes as I write this, I'd give anything to see him smile again...
On the 5th of November, I watched my dad die. That was the day I truly did lose him and it hurts so so much...He struggled throughout his life to be happy with himself. He relied on alcohol to support him and buried any issues he had deep down. This excessive self-destructive behaviour is what lead to all of his suffering over the last 11 years of his life. I wish I could've done something but I was just too young to know and understand. Sheltered from the hurt person he was...all I knew was that he was my dad and I looked up to him more than anybody.
Despite his flaws and hurt he felt he could not share, he was the greatest dad I could ever ask for. So patient and loving, so wise and so fun. He always wanted the best for me and we had such a special bond as I was growing up. He was so filled with pride whenever he saw me achieve something or do well in life. He always wanted to teach me and nurture my talents. I get my artist gene from him and he encouraged it. He made me laugh and comforted me when I was sad, but that didn't happen often. Because he provided the happiest childhood I could have ever imagined and I will love him always for trying his best.
He managed to see me achieve so many things and I really do hope I made him proud. I don't ever want to stop doing that, and in his absence, I will carry everything he has ever taught me through to my final days. He has made me who I am today and without him I wouldn't have been given the gift of life. I just wish I could've spent a little bit longer with him, and show that everything he taught me has made me who I am. I'm pursuing a career in art and making plans for the future because of him and his teachings.
I will always have him with me. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see his eyes staring back at me and that's how I know he's here and will never leave me. I love you, dad. You are the reason I am who I am today and I will never forget that. Rest in peace and one day, I will be able to finally hug and see you again...I miss you so very much...but goodbye for now...love, your baby girl.
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