What 2017 means to me...
I wrote this at the beginning of the year and featured it on my 'concept art' blog. Realising the link to my concept art blog is on my portfolio website, kinda think it's a little bit unprofessional to have such a personal post be the first thing potential employers can see. So please welcome the birth of my personal blog! No idea if I'll write anything for it but its good to have options. So here's my fairly personal first blog post that originally featured on my concept art blog. Hopefully more to come on both. Alas, on with the sob story.
Well, this feels right. Maybe a little self-indulgent, but let’s just roll with it. This is the part where I seemingly jump on the bandwagon of 2016 being the worst year of all time (highly debatable on a global scale) However, there are those whose lives in 2016 weren’t actually the best. These people are being accused of the bandwagon, and their actual experience of 2016 is being belittled by this notion. 2016, was not a great year for me. There have been a lot of growing pains, ups and downs in many areas of my life. This cliché is as such, because nobody has an entire year of incredible things happening to them, and if they did, I wouldn’t want to meet them. How can people progress and grow without suffering in some form?
I graduated university in summer 2015. In a few months’ time, I’ll have been a graduate for 2 years and only have one client to my freelance name. When you put it like that, it sounds pretty dire. This however, doesn’t take into account, all the other factors of life, family, friendship, love, self-growth, mental health, physical health, I could go on.
Well, this feels right. Maybe a little self-indulgent, but let’s just roll with it. This is the part where I seemingly jump on the bandwagon of 2016 being the worst year of all time (highly debatable on a global scale) However, there are those whose lives in 2016 weren’t actually the best. These people are being accused of the bandwagon, and their actual experience of 2016 is being belittled by this notion. 2016, was not a great year for me. There have been a lot of growing pains, ups and downs in many areas of my life. This cliché is as such, because nobody has an entire year of incredible things happening to them, and if they did, I wouldn’t want to meet them. How can people progress and grow without suffering in some form?
I graduated university in summer 2015. In a few months’ time, I’ll have been a graduate for 2 years and only have one client to my freelance name. When you put it like that, it sounds pretty dire. This however, doesn’t take into account, all the other factors of life, family, friendship, love, self-growth, mental health, physical health, I could go on.
All of these factors take time, and transitions of life take time. I moved back home, from the beginnings of my adult independence, to my tiny family, in my tiny house, in my tiny (and I mean, shoebox size) tiny room, that is now my “office”. I have travelled back to a time, where I felt my most vulnerable, where I felt my most unstable, and at my most unhappy. Yet now I have to build a career and become an adult, in that same environment of my school years, when I was a child and a young, growing adolescent.
Disclaimer, for the next three or so paragraphs I go into my teen life up until university, this is kind of integral to my progression into 2017, but apologies for the lengthy backstory…
This wasn’t your typical, my teenage years sucked story. Those five years where the biggest turning point. A time where for my own sanity, I had to go into autopilot, to go through the motions, so I didn’t have to face the harsh reality I now knew. One by one, the tragedies happened. First, and the most impactful, in August 2006, at the age of 45 my dad suffered a stroke. A bleed in the brain that left him paralysed on his right side and he lost the ability to speak. To this day he is nowhere near fully recovered. All he has improved on, is that he can walk, with difficulty and say just a few words and phrases. In 3 and a half years’ time, I’ll have known my dad longer as a disabled man, than as the father I once had. More to come on that, but shortly after that, the only grandad I ever knew, and the one remaining male role model of the family. The father of my dad, died from lung cancer that came completely out of the blue. A year later, my grandma, my mother’s one remaining close relative, was diagnosed with Motor Neurone. A muscle wastage disease, which claimed her life within months of diagnosis.
During this time I went from years 8 to 11 in secondary school, completely in my own world. I couldn’t be present as I would’ve struggled to cope. I never connected to my teenage years, because I learnt of people and their flaws. From the moment my father had his stroke, he was no longer my father, he was a man of flaw. An imperfect adult human, which I later learnt, we all are. An alcoholic, the vice that lead to his resulted disability, and lead to financial strain that catapulted my mother into a position she had no preparation for. For her sanity, I chose to become the second adult, the pillar that she needed, especially once her mother had gone. I have an older brother, but he dealt with things differently to me, that meant he retreated into himself, which he still does to this day. I learnt several harsh life lessons that would take 10’s of years, in just 4. My perception of reality became much bleaker than most people of my age would know, and in many different ways. My worries weren’t 'does that boy like me?', my worries were, will I ever find happiness? Will my tiny broken family ever be healed?
To give you an idea of how small my family is, both my parents were only children, so I have no aunties or uncles, therefore I have no cousins. We are a tiny tribe of individuals, and my mother had nobody. I became her partner and shoulder to lean on. All the while I have GCSE’s that I couldn’t care less about…still got A’s and B’s. I never complained, except when it came to my dad and his inability to admit his wrongdoing, which affected every member of my family, which lead to a lot of anger from myself. So by the time college and university rolled around…you could see why my main reason to go to uni, was to just get out of this dark hole.
Around this time, I met who would become my partner of over 4 years. Happiness and freedom were on the cards, Uni came and it was wonderful, just what I needed. I was forced to make friends, something I wasn’t that good at. I struggle to put myself out there to my peers, because it never felt necessary during my school years, for reasons stated above. I floated through uni, keeping my long distance relationship intact, but I could sense unease on the horizon. Uni finished, the honeymoon period was over and now it was entirely up to me. No safety net of tutors or student loan, I had to try and take what I’d learnt and apply it into getting a career on the go.
2016
I get an internship going into 2016, after one other small freelance job. The wheels felt like they were starting to turn. Then they slowly stopped, and I’m back to figuring out this freelancing thing again. I struggle to find my footing, how to balance social life, personal work and applying for professional work. All the while, feeling isolated in my tiny box room. Then, my relationship of 4+ years ended and a part of me was gone.
As much we want to convince ourselves we’re still an individual whilst in a relationship. Which for the most part I was, but to bond yourself to someone in anyway, takes a piece of you. When it’s gone you need to figure out what was there before. For me, it was the lone wolf title and self-sufficiency. I needed to learn to be okay with myself again. Easier said than done, especially when your break up, wasn’t because somebody cheated, wasn’t because you grew apart or fell out of love; when all of that love you had in the beginning is still there, but circumstance, finally makes it impossible for you both to feel its right to stay together for the foreseeable future. He had no choice, but to pull away from me, for his guilt was too much to bear during a time, where he himself is trying to break free from a career that suffocates all you are. To be the adult and step back from something you still so desperately want to fight for, is an incredibly hard thing for anybody to do. It’s like admitting ultimate defeat, or that you were wrong this whole time.
I learnt, no matter who you have around you, you must always be prepared to rely 100% on yourself, that includes family. But when chasing a dream career, something that takes time and a lot of effort, It’s impossible to be reliant on something that is nowhere near fully formed yet. As 2016 went on I grew more impatient with my career, or lack thereof. Even though I knew my chosen profession takes time, I was frustrated of seeing no benefit to what felt like a lot of effort. I refer to this video I saw, I highly recommend watching it:
As much we want to convince ourselves we’re still an individual whilst in a relationship. Which for the most part I was, but to bond yourself to someone in anyway, takes a piece of you. When it’s gone you need to figure out what was there before. For me, it was the lone wolf title and self-sufficiency. I needed to learn to be okay with myself again. Easier said than done, especially when your break up, wasn’t because somebody cheated, wasn’t because you grew apart or fell out of love; when all of that love you had in the beginning is still there, but circumstance, finally makes it impossible for you both to feel its right to stay together for the foreseeable future. He had no choice, but to pull away from me, for his guilt was too much to bear during a time, where he himself is trying to break free from a career that suffocates all you are. To be the adult and step back from something you still so desperately want to fight for, is an incredibly hard thing for anybody to do. It’s like admitting ultimate defeat, or that you were wrong this whole time.
I learnt, no matter who you have around you, you must always be prepared to rely 100% on yourself, that includes family. But when chasing a dream career, something that takes time and a lot of effort, It’s impossible to be reliant on something that is nowhere near fully formed yet. As 2016 went on I grew more impatient with my career, or lack thereof. Even though I knew my chosen profession takes time, I was frustrated of seeing no benefit to what felt like a lot of effort. I refer to this video I saw, I highly recommend watching it:
For years now, I have been saying the exact same things stated in this video. Although I feel I break the mould a little, I still fall victim to the issue of the grind. Understanding that instant job satisfaction doesn’t exist. It’s a long, hard process of trial and error. With a need to fully commit and use your time in the wisest way possible.
I made some decisions and went to Industry Workshops, a gathering of people in the creative industry of games and film. I travelled to London, not knowing what to expect, and I suddenly had focus, advice and felt like I belonged, although still sticking to myself most of the time. (old habits die hard) But I did force myself to speak up to a stranger or two, despite the shaking and obvious discomfort of making the first move of conversation. I had the drive I had the passion, approaching the end of summer, things were looking good. I went on holiday with friends for the first time, as a last chunk of fun before the real work begins.
Then my partner returns and we try again, I then bag my first freelance client!! I go to their office for a day’s work and it feels amazing to be in that similar working environment I had at uni. I planned to have a new portfolio ready for applying in the new year, and this was just the boost of confidence I needed to push me. A couple weeks pass and the holiday season is approaching. The final straw, my partner is given some bad news related to work, and he has to end the relationship, for what feels like for good this time…and I feel anger. For the first time, despite everything I feel anger towards him, at what felt like a very candid, insensitive way of dealing with our relationship. I felt lost.
Now, it’s Christmas, and we should all be happy, enjoy our time with loved ones. For me, the same loved ones, that I feel trapped around, the same loved ones that have so much baggage that I just want to forget. I want to crawl into a dark hole and deal with things alone, during a time of togetherness and celebration. People around me, call me a scrooge for wanting Christmas and New Years to be over and done with, but what they don’t know is it highlights a lot of loss and lack of growth for me. I have nothing to celebrate…but my tiny broken family needs me. Since that summer in 2006, I’ve been the glue…the comic relief, the practical thinker, the councillor and the sheriff to my family. So for Christmas and New Year’s I donned my mask and put a happy face on everything.
2017, couldn’t come soon enough. This is where I begin a new chapter. A new way of doing, a new way of thinking, a new approach, a more professional one laced with discipline.
I made some decisions and went to Industry Workshops, a gathering of people in the creative industry of games and film. I travelled to London, not knowing what to expect, and I suddenly had focus, advice and felt like I belonged, although still sticking to myself most of the time. (old habits die hard) But I did force myself to speak up to a stranger or two, despite the shaking and obvious discomfort of making the first move of conversation. I had the drive I had the passion, approaching the end of summer, things were looking good. I went on holiday with friends for the first time, as a last chunk of fun before the real work begins.
Then my partner returns and we try again, I then bag my first freelance client!! I go to their office for a day’s work and it feels amazing to be in that similar working environment I had at uni. I planned to have a new portfolio ready for applying in the new year, and this was just the boost of confidence I needed to push me. A couple weeks pass and the holiday season is approaching. The final straw, my partner is given some bad news related to work, and he has to end the relationship, for what feels like for good this time…and I feel anger. For the first time, despite everything I feel anger towards him, at what felt like a very candid, insensitive way of dealing with our relationship. I felt lost.
Now, it’s Christmas, and we should all be happy, enjoy our time with loved ones. For me, the same loved ones, that I feel trapped around, the same loved ones that have so much baggage that I just want to forget. I want to crawl into a dark hole and deal with things alone, during a time of togetherness and celebration. People around me, call me a scrooge for wanting Christmas and New Years to be over and done with, but what they don’t know is it highlights a lot of loss and lack of growth for me. I have nothing to celebrate…but my tiny broken family needs me. Since that summer in 2006, I’ve been the glue…the comic relief, the practical thinker, the councillor and the sheriff to my family. So for Christmas and New Year’s I donned my mask and put a happy face on everything.
2017, couldn’t come soon enough. This is where I begin a new chapter. A new way of doing, a new way of thinking, a new approach, a more professional one laced with discipline.
I feel upon reflection of me and my mental state, I’m more prepared than ever to fully give myself over to my work. To progress, use work as a form of escapism from my own mindless inner chatter. My mind goes a mile a minute 24/7 with pointless, reoccurring, unhelpful thoughts and I hope these blogs will help get out all of this waffle I have in my head. So that my mind is clear, to create and strive forward. I want that job satisfaction, I want that self-sufficiency and independence. All I got to do now is use the time of 2017, to apply all my effort to achieve that desperate desire I had back in 2012, before I started uni. I’ve been here before, the surroundings are familiar, but my experiences are different. They are the tools I have obtained over these past few years, all I need to do, is figure out how to use them. I want 2017, to be the year, I thrive creatively and professionally. I want to fall in love with my talent all over again, and give myself to it 100% no distractions. Enjoy life for its simplicities and be aware of the world around me and do what I can to make it a better place. No matter how small the gesture.
2017, will be my year, of self-rediscovery, and I can’t wait to see who I’ll find at the end of it. Bring it on 2017…you don’t scare me.
More blogs to come, hopefully weekly, thanks for reading if you made it this far :)
2017, will be my year, of self-rediscovery, and I can’t wait to see who I’ll find at the end of it. Bring it on 2017…you don’t scare me.
More blogs to come, hopefully weekly, thanks for reading if you made it this far :)
Comments
Post a Comment